Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Randomize
