i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
