Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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