I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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