So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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