Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
birth control should be required to get into college
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
