her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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