It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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