Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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