i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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