I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
