ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Randomize
