Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
