I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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