I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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