I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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