ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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