My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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