I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."