We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
