1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
