If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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