I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
