i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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