i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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