You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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