I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
