feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
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