I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
