Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
