Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
