Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
You may now shotgun with the bride
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
