you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Randomize
