I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
