just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
