i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
