I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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