Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
