ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
