Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
