It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
