I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
