; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
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I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
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There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
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