Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
