you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
