in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
