As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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