Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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