Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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