Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
