I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
