1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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