she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
