Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
