she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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