and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
