Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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