My friends, they love my intelligence
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
