the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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