i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
