why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
